My Struggle

About 18 years ago I was told I was pregnant when I was attempting to enlist into the New York Army National Guard. I stood there refusing to believe the doctor and the recruiters. I couldn't be pregnant. They had to be wrong. When my recruiter walked into the office and looked at me, I broke down. I was 19 and trying to get my life in order. I wanted nothing more than to enlist and serve my country. I went home that night to my boyfriend and broke the news to him. That was the day that all my plans for my future disappeared. It was also the day that I started on the most amazing journey of my life. I am the strong woman that I am because of my journey. I have no regrets about how my life turned out. I have an amazing birth son, husband and son now. I have a wonderful extended family that I treasure. I found some amazing friends. I married my husband 8 years after placement and my son was born 9 years after. After my son was born my husband and I wanted to have one more child together. We tried and within a five month span I had two miscarriages. They destroyed me. I have kept the second one a secret from some of my family. I regret that I allowed someone to talk me into hiding it. I still struggle with the losses to this day. The doctor told me to be thankful for both my boys. I am always thankful for them. They are my heart. But there are days I wonder why?